Children and young people believe that fathers who use family violence need to be made more accountable, and it should be up to them, not the community or the courts, to decide whether they have anything to do with their Dads.

That’s the message from a new study into the perspectives of children and young people whose fathers have used family violence, whether it is physical and/or emotional abuse.

These feelings of children and young people who have suffered family violence are seldom listened to, but University of Melbourne researcher Dr Katie Lamb discovered that when asked they had plenty to say - some of it harrowing in the way it provides an insight into what it is like to fear your father.

“It’s kind of like having a monster in the closet who sometimes buys you a Christmas present” said one study participant.

“Children’s perspectives on their relationship with fathers who use violence rarely figure in the research literature or in the legal processes dealing with family violence. But when I came to talking to them I was blown away by exactly how strong their views were, whether it was an older young person or a child as young as a nine year old,” says Dr Lamb. “They all in some way wanted their fathers to acknowledge that what they had done was wrong and apologise.”

Some told her that they just wanted their father to go away, to prison preferably. Others wanted to rebuild their relationships with their Dads, but only on their terms.

But she found that common to all of them was a demand that their Dad make reparations in some way - to try to make amends - whether as a precondition for rebuilding trust, or just so that they could move on with their lives.

Some of the participants have since gone on to record their experiences as ‘digital stories’ for use in programs designed to change the behaviours of fathers who use violence, in a project funded by the Luke Batty Foundation.

“Even those children who wanted no further relationship with their fathers still saw reparation as being important to their own healing and giving them closure,” says Dr Katie Lamb, who carried out the study as part of her doctoral research in collaboration with University of Melbourne’s Research Alliance to End Violence Against Women and their Children (MAEVe), supervised by Professor Cathy Humphreys and Professor Kelsey Hegarty.

The problem is, she says, there is little opportunity in the social or legal system to make fathers who use violence accountable to their children, and this needs to change both for the sake of the victims and the perpetrators.

A criminologist who is now a Human Services management consultant at KPMG, Dr Lamb says her study, while small and qualitative, provides an important insight into how the system is failing to acknowledge the needs of children and young people who have experienced family violence.

She says many told her they felt pressured by community expectations to forgive their fathers and accept them back into their lives. And they felt left out of processes attempting to hold fathers who use violence to account.

“They had really strong views on what they wanted their fathers to learn and what their fathers needed to know about how they had hurt them. And they wanted their voices to be heard in programs for fathers who use violence.”

Dr Lamb says that the children and young people she interviewed felt frustrated that they weren’t consulted on what should happen to their fathers, and they felt that authorities put pressure on them to accept their fathers had a right to stay in their lives.

Dr Lamb says an important message from her study was that all the children wanted to be in control of what their future relationship with their fathers looked like and when it occurred. “They didn’t feel currently that was how it was looked at by adults, and that it was very much expected the child would simply forgive and forget.”

“He denied all the abuse and stuff...and maybe if he’d done some time in prison and apologised for what he did I’d probably - you know, I might think about seeing him” - study participant.

“Once I thought an apology was all you needed. But I don’t think that would even be enough. I need to see your actions have changed” - study participant.

Dr Lamb interviewed 16 children and young people aged between 9 and 19 who had been the victims of family violence perpetrated by their fathers. The study was partly motivated by her experience working with male prisoners during her previous work managing programs in the Victorian justice system. She realised that fathers in prison were often concerned about their relationship with their children.

“It was sometimes very surprising to see these pretty rough looking men hanging on the every word of a support worker who was giving them advice on how to interact with their children. I could see it was a pivotal issue for them and was something that could help motivate fathers to change.”

Dr Lamb said it was critically important for fathers who use violence to hear the voices of children to combat the still pervasive idea that men who are violent to their partners can still be good fathers. She says the existing research is clear that experiencing family violence is bad for children. She says fathers who use violence can sometimes try to avoid facing up to their actions by thinking they can still be good fathers, and it is an idea still given some credence in the court system.

“There is an assumption that a man who uses family violence can still be a valuable father, but the evidence doesn’t support that and this study doesn’t support that. Significant acts of reparation may be required.”

It is why she says it is important that fathers who use violence be made to feel accountable to their children, and the children themselves also need to know that their fathers are accountable for the hurt they have inflicted on them.

The Children’s Protection Society and UnitingCare ReGen have begun using the digital stories from the study in one of their intervention programs for fathers who use violence and according to a CPS clinical practitioner, the effect of listening to children speak is proving to be a cathartic experience for many of the men.

“The video had a profound impact on the group and opened up a reflective discussion on the impact of family violence,” says Ms Edwards, who is facilitating a pilot of the Canadian-based Caring Dads intervention program. “One of the men said he felt like crying to think that his actions had badly affected his children, and the group generally was shocked by what they heard.

“It is one way of motivating them to change because they don’t want to hurt and alienate their children,” Ms Edwards says.

“We were products of her (our mother), so we got that watered down hatred that he held for her” - study participant.

“When I’m angry, I’ll want to hit stuff and want to act out because that’s what I’ve seen my father do...And like I don’t want to be that person” - study participant.

When Dr Lamb approached the young people to anonymously record their views as digital stories for use in rehabilitation programs, she says many of them jumped at the chance. She says they were “bursting” to be heard and to make a difference.

“People ask me if this work was depressing or sad but I didn’t feel that way,” she says. “It has been really inspiring. These young people have been through so much yet they have such clarity of thinking and such mature views on what they have been through.

“Those who agreed to make the digital stories were passionate about having them used and making a difference. Given what they have been through it was an amazing show of strength.”

Dr Lamb’s study is part of the University of Melbourne’s broader “Fathering Challenges” research project that is funded by the Australian Research Council and led by Professor Humphreys.

The University of Melbourne has been contracted by the Victorian Government to evaluate the pilot of the Caring Dads program.

If in need of help you can contact the National Sexual Assault, Domestic and Family Violence Counselling Service on 1800 737 732

Banner Image: Keri-Anne Pink/Unsplash

Melbourne, VIC, Australia, 6th April 2017 – The Children’s Protection Society (CPS) in partnership with UnitingCare ReGen, Anglicare Victoria, IPC Health, University of Toronto, and Changing Ways (Canada), welcomed the Victorian Government’s announcement of new funding to provide targeted family violence programs for vulnerable families. The funding of the ‘Caring Dads’ program, announced by Minister for Families and Children Jenny Mikakos, will enable the pilot adaptation of an established Canadian early intervention (Caring Dads) for fathers whose behaviour exposes their children to harm because of neglect, physical and emotional abuse or domestic violence.

Melbourne, Western Melbourne and Inner Gippsland. The trial, funded by Gandel Philanthropy and the Department of Health and Human Services, will be rigorously evaluated by a team from the University of Melbourne. The three Areas were selected as trial sites due to the prevalence of family violence. CPS and UnitingCare ReGen will deliver Caring Dads in the North-East Melbourne Area, and provide clinical oversight and support to Caring Dads sites in Inner Gippsland and Western Melbourne, where local organisations Anglicare in Inner Gippsland and Anglicare in partnership with IPC Health in Western Melbourne will provide the service.

The trial of Caring Dads is significant, and represents a major investment by the Victorian government alongside a partnership between philanthropic organisations and state government led by a Community Service Organisation. Caring Dads is an evidence-based program with a family violence prevention focus and as such there are clear links to the recommendations of the Royal Commission into Family Violence.

Due to the specific and rigorous nature of the evaluation, the research partners (e.g. CPS, UnitingCare, ReGen, Anglicare Victoria, IPC Health and the University of Melbourne) are not able to provide support and training to additional sites across Victoria until the research is completed in 2020. After the research trial, the research partners are committed to sharing results with the community and to facilitating further development of Caring Dads, should it be supported in pilot research. None of the agencies involved in this trial have an exclusive license to Caring Dads for Melbourne, Victoria, or Australia. Licensing is maintained by the Caring Dads organization in Canada. If Caring Dads is found to be a successful model in Melbourne, additional training and opportunities will be provided for additional sites and further discussions will be held around the development of this exciting program.

If you have any more specific questions regarding these matters, please contact Caring Dads Clinical Director, Jane Williams on jwilliams@cps.org.au.

The 17-week Caring Dads program gives men how to discipline their children without using violence, and how to work in partnership with their partners, instead of controlling them. 

In the first six months of 2015, Greater Sudbury Police responded to 1,091 domestic disputes. While not all cases had sufficient evidence for police the lay charges, the issue of domestic abuse has proven to be a big enough issue for five local organizations to team up and launch a new program to address the problem.

Thanks to $10,000 in funding from the United Way Sudbury and Nipissing Districts the John Howard Society of Sudbury, the Sudbury Counselling Centre, the Sudbury Women's Centre, Sudbury and Area Victim Services and the Greater Sudbury Police Services are launching a new program called Caring Dads.  

“The whole sense of this program is to give men the skills and the tools they need to become men who do not use issues of control, power and violence to get their way,” said John Rimore, executive director of the John Howard Society in Sudbury. “It teaches men essentially how to be caring dads.”

Rimore said the 17-week program teaches men to be better fathers and partners. Participants will learn how to discipline their children without using violence, and how to work in partnership with their partners, instead of controlling them.

The Sudbury Women's Centre and the Sudbury and Area Victim Services will also reach out to the participants' partners and former partners, if they have had children together, to see how they are progressing.

Rimore said domestic abuse can be isolating for the victim, and by reaching out to the men's partners, they can take agency over their improvement.

In 2014, 323,600 people across Canada were victims of a violent crime. Twenty-six per cent of them were victimized by a family member, and 68 per cent of those victims were women and girls.

But Statistics Canada's Uniform Crime Reporting Survey in 2014 estimated 70 per cent of spousal violence cases go unreported. 

Rimore said the program was developed in London, Ont., to specifically help men who have care of children where there has been domestic violence in the household.

More than 85 per cent of reported abuses in the household are perpetrated by men against women.

“We're not saying it doesn't happen the other way, but the vast majority is men abusing women,” Rimore said.

He added there are programs in the community, such as the Child and Family Centre's Positive Parenting Program, that teach men and women to become better parents.

Five service agencies in Sudbury are working together to help end the cycle of domestic violence. They're piloting an initiative called Caring Dads. The 17-week program works with men who have been charged or convicted of domestic violence. It's meant to teach them to be better fathers and partners, without the use of violence.

The John Howard Society of Sudbury is one of the organizations involved.John Rimore, Executive Director, says the goal is to stop the cycle of abuse.

"The way to do it is through programs that are not just punitive, such as a probation or jail sentence for men when they're convicted of domestic violence," he told CBC News. "It's programs like the Caring Dads that actually change a person's behaviour."

In many cases of domestic violence, the focus is on getting help and support to the victim. But a new program in northern Ontario looks to help the men who may be charged with domestic violence. 

Rimore says the program also provides services and support to the female victims. Tracy de Vos, who speaks for the Sudbury Women's Centre, says her agency's first priority is to keep women and children safe. owever she says when children are involved, it's important to keep the family relationship healthy.

"We wouldn't encourage them to do it, or discourage it, but it has to be what's in the best interest of the family," de Vos said. "This way with the men getting the help, at least they're given the tools on how to continue that positive relationship with their families."

A first for northeastern Ontario

The men attend voluntarily and are provided with support and resources to help change their behaviour. This is the first time the Caring Dads program has been offered in northeastern Ontario. The program began at the University of Toronto, and was founded by professor Dr. Katrina Scott. It was first piloted in London, Ont.

In Sudbury, the organizations behind the Caring Dads program include the John Howard Society of Sudbury, Sudbury Women's Centre, Sudbury and Area Victim Services, Greater Sudbury Police Services and the Sudbury Counselling Centre. The program is funded by the United Way of Sudbury and Nipissing districts.

“Family violence can not only have serious if not fatal consequences for women but the effect on their children can be devastating and long-lasting.”

— Commissioner for Children, Mark Morrissey said.

Mr Morrissey was speaking at the launch of the Family Violence Men’s Education Project 2016 report, Increasing Men’s Awareness of the Effects on Children Exposed to Family and Domestic Violence, in Hobart today.

Mr Morrissey said the report makes a very important contribution to the discussion about how to increase men’s awareness of the effects of family violence on their children and lessen the harm it can cause.

“We know that growing up with violence in the home can have devastating and lasting effects on children with consequences for their health and wellbeing, their performance at school, their future relationships and their capacity to be fully participating members of our community,” Mr Morrissey said.

“We are only now beginning to understand how children affected by family violence cope, how they are affected, what contributes to their resilience and what they need.”

“It is a tragic fact that even in a country as advantaged as Australia, many children are not safe or free from violence in their own homes.”

Mr Morrissey said as Commissioner for Children, one of his key functions is to increase awareness of matters relating to the wellbeing of Tasmanian children and young people.

He said wellbeing encompasses care, development, education, health and safety and every child has the right to live in a safe, caring and nurturing environment; free from all forms of violence and abuse.

Mr Morrissey said research data deficiencies however mean that it is difficult to fully understand the extent of the impact of domestic and family violence on children.

He said for children, as for women, living with family violence is not just about experiencing separate incidents of violence - it is also about growing up in an atmosphere of fear and tension. Understandably this can impact enormously on children’s development and wellbeing.

Women and children are disproportionately affected by violence in the home – and that it is attitudes to masculinity and gender inequality which underlie this violent behaviour.

“Children learn by what they see their parents doing. We must take decisive action to eliminate attitudes and beliefs which have been used to justify the use of violence by some men in intimate relationships.”

“What we do know is that that greatest positive impact on this pervasive problem will come from prevention and early intervention. This must include true and genuine gender equality, and an understanding by all that violence and abuse in its many forms is never a solution.”

“We are all responsible for ensuring that addressing violence against women and children continues to be a top priority for our community and is treated as such by us all in our personal and professional lives.”

The Commissioner for Children, Mark Morrissey, (left), Her Excellency, Professor the Honourable Kate Warner AM, the Governor of Tasmania and Professor Katreena Scott of the Caring Dads Program (Canada).

The Salvation Army and UTAS released the report into Increasing Men’s Awareness of the Effects on Children Exposed to Family and Domestic Violence. Guest speakers at the report launch included Mark Morrissey, Commissioner for Children, Her Excellency, Professor the Honourable Kate Warner AM, the Governor of Tasmania, Tino Carnevale, ABC Gardening Australia presenter, Assoc Professor Katreena Scott of the Caring Dads Program (Canada) and Dr Peter Lucas of the research team. 

Speech for Launch of the FV Mens Education Project Final Report April 2016

Hannover - "Man kann es nicht zurückdrehen“, sagt Michael R. „Aber man kann es in Zukunft besser machen.“ Was er ihr angetan habe, bereue er zutiefst, hat der Schlosser seiner Tochter in einem Brief geschrieben.

Es sei schlecht gewesen, sie unter den Wasserhahn zu drücken und dabei am Mund zu verletzten. Falsch und mies, sie in eine Küchenecke zu zerren, wobei ihr eine Zahnecke abbrach. Das Schuldeingeständnis, das weiteres Fehlverhalten umfasst, hat R. der 15-Jährigen zum Ende seines Sozialtrainings Caring Dads übergeben. Ein Jahr nach Beginn des Modellprojekts beim Männerbüro Hannover ziehen er und andere Teilnehmer im Gespräch mit der HAZ für sich eine positive Bilanz. Sie seien keine neuen Menschen, aber bessere Väter geworden.

Caring Dads (Fürsorgliche Väter) ist ein von Land und Klosterkammer Hannover gefördertes soziales Training für Väter, die in ihren Familien Gewalt ausgeübt haben. Bei dem 26-Wochen-Programm nach kanadischem und Düsseldorfer Vorbild sollen die Männer lernen, ihre Aggressionen zu kontrollieren und sich ihren Kindern gegenüber friedlicher zu verhalten. Jugendamt, Gerichte und Staatsanwaltschaft schicken - als Auflage - einige Männer nach häuslicher Gewalt zu den Treffen. Andere Väter, wie Michael R., kommen freiwillig.

„Mich hat er behandelt wie ein Stück Dreck.“

Als seine Tochter in die Pubertät kam, seien die Konflikte so eskaliert, dass er sich nicht anders zu helfen wusste, erzählt der 53-Jährige. Bei alltäglichen Streitigkeiten, etwa über ein unaufgeräumtes Zimmer, sei er immer wieder in Rage geraten, habe sich nicht kontrollieren können. „Dabei war sie doch mein Liebling gewesen“, sagt R. Auch die Ehe habe in der Zeit schwer gelitten; seine Frau, die sich schützend vor das Mädchen stellte, habe ihn gedrängt, sich beraten zu lassen. So sei er auf die Caring-Dads-Gruppe gestoßen, die vom Sozialpädagogen Bernward Müller-Prange und, für die weibliche Perspektive, der Pädagogin Doreen Herler professionell geleitet wird.

Anders als Elternkurse des Kinderschutzbundes richtet sich das Projekt gezielt an Männer. In der Gruppe sollen sie zunächst lernen, ihre Gefühle zu erkennen und zu benennen. Das Verhältnis zum eigenen Vater spielt dabei eine Rolle. „Mein Vater war freiwillig in den Zweiten Weltkrieg gezogen“, erzählt R., ein in dem Gespräch freundlicher Mann in Jeans und einem Polohemd, das seine kräftigen Arme betont. „Mich hat er behandelt wie ein Stück Dreck.“ Obwohl er selbst nie so werden wollte, sei er auf dem Weg gewesen, seine Tochter genauso zu behandeln, sagt der Schlosser. Das könne natürlich keine Entschuldigung sein, sondern nur eine Erklärung. Kein noch so provokantes Verhalten eines Kindes dürfe dazu führen, dass ein Erziehungsberechtigter sich nicht unter Kontrolle habe.

Ähnliches berichtet Thomas H. Auch der 52-Jährige aus dem Süden der Stadt ist freiwillig zu Caring Dads gekommen. Der Diplom-Kaufmann schildert sein früheres impulsives Verhalten gegenüber seinen Teenager-Töchtern als sehr problematisch - auch wenn in seinem Fall keine körperliche Gewalt gegen die Mädchen im Spiel war. Mit Beschimpfungen und Beleidigungen habe er die Mädchen erniedrigt, wenn sie sich trotzig zeigten - wie Mädchen in dem Alter eben oft sind, wie er heute weiß. Sehr oft habe sich Streit etwa um das Ausräumen der Spülmaschine so hochgeschaukelt, dass er gebrüllt und Türen geknallt habe. „Die Atmosphäre wurde unerträglich, ich musste gucken, wie ich diese Spirale durchbreche,“ sagt der hagere Akademiker rückblickend und putzt dabei seine Brille.

Männer scheuen sich über ihr Verhalten zu sprechen

In der Gruppe, die sich mittwochsabends für zwei Stunden im Männerbüro trifft, musste der Kaufmann, wie die anderen, regelmäßig als „Hausaufgabe“ ein Verhaltensprotokoll der vergangenen Woche schreiben. Jeder erarbeitete sich dabei einen „Notfallplan“ - einen Weg, beim nächsten Streit die Wut nicht in Gewalt zu verwandeln. Thomas H. hilft es, erst mal den Raum zu verlassen und eine Weile spazieren zu gehen. Anschließend versucht er, in Ruhe das Problem zu bereden. Das gelinge ihm mittlerweile gut, allen in der Familie gehe es besser - auch wenn bei den Kindern sicher seelische Narben zurückblieben.

Der Kaufmann ist von Caring Dads so überzeugt, dass er sich als Ansprechpartner für Interessenten anbietet. Offenbar scheuten sich viele Männer, über ihr Verhalten zu sprechen, meint er. Nur damit sei wohl zu erklären, dass in dem zunächst auf drei Jahre begrenzten Projekt das Angebot die Nachfrage übersteigt: 13 Väter nahmen 2014 an der fortlaufenden Gruppe teil, insgesamt 40 Kinder vom Säuglingsalter an waren betroffen. Zurzeit ist mit fünf Teilnehmern nur die Hälfte der Plätze besetzt. Es gab einzelne Abbrecher unter denen, die von Gericht oder Staatsanwaltschaft geschickt worden waren. Drei Männer wurden ausgeschlossen, weil sie bei dem 26-Doppelstunden-Programm mehrmals ohne Entschuldigung fehlten.

Nun will sich das Männerbüro an Kitas, Familienhebammen und den Stadtelternrat wenden, um das Soziale Training bekannter zu machen und es verstärkt vorbeugend einzusetzen. Herler hofft, dass nach Ende der dreijährigen Modellphase Stadt und Region finanziell einsteigen. „Wer motiviert ist, profitiert wirklich“, meint die Pädagogin. Gewalt sei erlerntes Verhalten, das wieder verlernt werden kann.

Das kann auch bei vom Jugendamt vermittelten „Problemvätern“ funktionieren, wie die Zwischenbilanz des Männerbüros zeigt. Ein Teilnehmer, Mitte 20, war gegen seine Kinder oft handgreiflich geworden, die Stadt vermittelte die drei in eine Pflegefamilie. Im Laufe des Sozialtrainings habe sich das Verhalten des jungen Mannes so deutlich verbessert, dass bei den begleiteten Umgangstreffen auch das Jugendamt davon überzeugt wurde. Die Kinder leben nun wieder bei ihren Eltern.

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Männerbüro hilft Tätern und Opfern

Das 1996 gegründete Männerbüro Hannover im Ahrbergviertel in Linden, Ilseter-Meer-Weg 7, unterstützt in verschiedenen Projekten sowohl Täter als auch Opfer in Fällen von häuslicher oder sexueller Gewalt. Das Caring Dads-Sozialtraining, das es in ähnlicher Form seit 2005 in Kanada und seit 2007 auch in Düsseldorf gibt, kooperiert mit den im Hannoverschen Interventionsprogramm gegen Männergewalt in der Familie vertretenen Einrichtungen. Finanziert wird es vom Landessozialministerium, der Klosterkammer Hannover und durch Einnahmen aus Bußgeldern, Spenden und einem Selbstkostenanteil der Teilnehmer. Das Männerbüro ist telefonisch unter (05 11) 12 35 89 10 und im Internet auf www.maennerbuero-hannover.de zu erreichen.